Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??