If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
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I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit