My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
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I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.