Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
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My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
broke down and did it
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Meat Cute
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into