Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
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Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Holy crap this is wonderful
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
This took me a second..
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual