I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
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TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.