– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
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dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
i made a craigslist ad !
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
is this meant to deter me
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.