HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Venn
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
This could be us but you eatin’
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.