Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
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Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.