Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
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LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.