searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
You Might Also Like
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.