I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
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[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.