Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
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How I’d get arrested…
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.