Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
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Just as the prophecy foretold
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming