[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Most fashion shows these days…
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.