OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
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COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait