Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.