me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
You Might Also Like
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
excuse me
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
the red hot silly peppers
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”