[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
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I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.