friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
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Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.