My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
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Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!