I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
So inspired right now.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”