When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
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If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.