hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
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Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.