Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
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Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.