You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Worth a try