Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.