Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
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Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
So, can we agree on 4 or
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.