2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
You Might Also Like
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
#ParentingFacts
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that