I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it