I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
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“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
be careful
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair