i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
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protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?