You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
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Just parrot things
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020