“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*