[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
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Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.