I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
when dads have a rap battle
can’t bark with your mouth full
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.