Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
You Might Also Like
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.