Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
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Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*