her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
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Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
All excellent questions
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!