Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
it’s finally my moment to shine
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!