If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
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The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.