To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
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*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
me when I see my crush
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”