dictator is short for richard potato
You Might Also Like
never forget
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.