When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
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Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Harsh but fair
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
next level snooze
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?