Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
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We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Social Media and Real life
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.