Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
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When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I used to be married, but I’m better now
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory