Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
You Might Also Like
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Finally
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.