SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
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An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital