My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
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Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day