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relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?